After Israeli families have received that dreaded knock at the door, hearing the life-shattering news of a fallen son, daughter, parent, spouse or sibling, I start my job. As a bereavement officer for the Israel Defense Forces, I accompany these broken families through their mourning journey, offering practical, emotional and rabbinic support, often for years.

There are more than 1,150 families on this feared and dreaded path since Oct. 7, 2023, each one a stark reminder of the ultimate costs of serving. 

A year before I started this position, I paid that price myself when my son, Elchai, was killed in a terror attack while performing his national duty in the IDF. Every story of a fallen soldier is unique in its bravery and sacrifice; yet every family with one of these stories is connected in their fate and resilience as they carry their everlasting burden of grief.

While I carry on with my daily routine of supporting bereaved families in the Golani unit—and my other son, daughters and sons-in-law serve hundreds of days of reserve duty—I also see the widespread refusal of Israel’s ultra-Orthodox population to serve.

The weight of the unequal burden of service goes beyond our bereaved families and anyone serving in the army. The continued widespread, rabbinically backed refusal to serve among the ultra-Orthodox puts all of Israel at risk, and this should be deeply concerning to all Jews, no matter where they live.

At its heart, the debate over the long-standing exemption of Haredi men from otherwise compulsory army service so they can study in yeshivah full time is not about internal politics or policy. It is about responsibility, shared fate and the future of Judaism.

All of these aspects carry even more weight since Oct. 7. Those attacks have emphasized the need for a resilient and secure Israel while also revealing the very real threats to the state, which continue on several fronts, including Iran. Increased military preparedness and agility are required for Israel to survive and thrive as the spiritual and physical homeland of the Jewish people. 

Kol Yisrael arevim zeh bazeh ( כל ישראל ערבים זה בזה)—“all of Israel is responsible for one another”—is a main principle of Judaism. Every military exemption based on learning in yeshivah rather than defending the country translates into real strain placed on others, their families, IDF units and anyone who has to keep carrying what others refuse to do. Although recent legal changes reducing the number of exemptions have spurred some ultra-Orthodox to serve, the law remains for the most part unenforced, with tens of thousands shirking their duty.

Many ultra-Orthodox are clear about why they are avoiding service: They fear for their children’s spiritual future—that they will become less committed to rigorous religious observance during army service. My son was equally committed to religious observance and learning. He will never return home to study Torah.

In addition, this fear about their young people’s spiritual future is a strawman argument. For more than three decades, I have worked to help pioneering religious women merge IDF service with Torah study. These women are strengthened through study in Ohr Torah Stone’s Midreshet Lindenbaum before their service, and then my team visits and supports them with ongoing halachic and spiritual guidance throughout their years in the military. They come out of the IDF spiritually stronger and often inspire those around them.

The IDF respects these women not just for their service, but for their religious values and commitment. Army officials actively work alongside my team to support these women, who have no legal obligation to serve but chose to anyway. Most recently, the IDF, with our guidance, opened a special all-female combat field intelligence unit made up entirely of religiously observant women that also includes a religious spiritual counselor. In March, it will open a unit with a similar setup to work in the search and rescue division.

Clearly, the IDF wants to support religious soldiers and enable everyone—no matter their background—to share the responsibility. That is what a healthy Jewish society looks like. Creating the conditions for such a society should be important to all Jews, including those in the Diaspora.

The question of who carries the burden of defense should matter to any Jew who considers Israel part of their story, heritage or safety. This is not a debate about laws. It is an existential debate about who shows up for the Jewish people when history calls, and it belongs to all of us.

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