Israel Blamed for Eclipsing Sun, Charged with “Solicide”

Apr 8, 2024 8:36 pm | News, Ticker, Virtual Jerusalem

Global Outcry as Jewish State’s Alleged Moon Manipulation Darkens Earth for Minutes, Causing Humanitarian Crisis

International leaders and lawyers united in outrage as evidence mounted that Israel may have managed to manipulate the orbit of the moon with space lasers, causing brief but damaging darkness that has triggered a humanitarian crisis, plunging millions of civilians, mostly women and children, into an “abyss of hopelessness” caused by the lack of sunlight for multiple minutes.

The Arab League and its allies across the world have branded the audacious act as “solicide” and vowed to bring Israel to the Hague on the new charges. The coalition calling itself “Sons of the Crucified Sun” is pressing for immediate action at the United Nations, demanding sanctions against Israel for what they are calling a “hijack of the solar orb for political gains.” Palestinian leaders introduced a new slogan to “From the Earth to the Moon, Israel’s Darkening Our Noon.”

The accusations, outlined in a meticulously detailed dossier presented by esteemed British jurists and South African tribal chiefs, claim that Israel employed highly classified technology to bring about the eclipse, moving the moon to overshadow (quite literally) pressing issues against the nation at the United Nations General Assembly. Critics argue that the timing of the solar spectacle—coinciding with heated debates on the urgent need for a Palestinian state to eclipse the Jewish one—was far too convenient to be cosmic coincidence.

“The audacity of the Zionists to manipulate celestial bodies as a diversionary tactic is a clear violation of universal law, not just international,” proclaimed the coalition spokesperson for the coalition at a hastily arranged press conference. “We have irrefutable evidence, including coded messages in speeches by Israeli officials that cryptically reference ‘the dark day’ as referring not to October 7, 2023 but to April 8, 2024.

Legal experts are at odds over the potential for a new category of crime—solicide—being entered into international law books. “The concept of holding a nation accountable for celestial events is novel,” said one legal scholar in a televised interview, “but those Jews sure are clever.” They cited Oppenheimer as an example of Jewish manipulations of physics and nature itself.  Jewish directors and produce “refuted” their association with what they termed “Israel’s astronomical aggression.”

Scientific denials, indeed, have done little to quell the fervor of the accusers. Critics, doubling down on their allegations, have pointed to Israel’s advancements in laser technology and space research as “undeniable proof” of their capability to engineer a solar eclipse. “It’s no secret that Israel is at the forefront of optical and space technology,” a representative of the SoCS coalition remarked. “Their refusal to admit to this cosmic manipulation only adds credibility to their culpability. What other purpose could their so-called ‘space lasers’ serve, if not to meddle with the very fabric of our solar system for selfish, racist gain?”

Israeli scientists and international astronomy experts have attempted to divert the conversation to rational and scientific evidence. “The physics of a solar eclipse are determined by the predictable orbits of the Earth and Moon around the Sun, not by man-made devices or human manipulation,” explained an Israeli astrophysicist on “Piers Morgan Uncensored”. Another guest dismissed the claim as predictable Zionist propaganda. “What would you expect them to say?” she wondered.

The Biden Administration, traditionally a close ally of Israel, called for a balanced investigation into the matter. “The United States, and especially the citizens of Michigan and Minnesota and our newest American crossing our borders, recognize the serious nature of the accusations brought by the international community,” said Secretary of State Antony Blinken. “We therefore demand a thorough and unbiased examination of the facts, guided by evidence and respecting the principles of justice and international law.” Vice President Kamala Harris added: “I have studied the moon. I know the moon. I have seen the craters on the moon.”

Recently canned Candace Owens, however, was outspoken: “They’ve killed the Sun of God.” She denied that her remarks could be construed as anti-Semitic, referring to Oppenheimer’s remark that he had become “a destroyer of worlds,” adding: “If they did it once they can do it again,” she said, smiling coyly.

The United Kingdom has emphasized the grave importance of due process and the need for a comprehensive judicial review of the solicide allegation, stated the Foreign Office. “We support a fair and evidence-based inquiry to ascertain the facts. It is essential that international discourse and actions are rooted in respect for international law and the pursuit of truth.”

SpaceX CEO Elon Musk, however, cautiously welcomed the Israeli development, if true. “If Israel can indeed adjust celestial orbits, I’d sure appreciate their assistance in moving Mars a bit closer,” he remarked.

20 Comments

  1. Miriam Ginsburg

    Wonderful satire: we so much need a bit of humor amid the dark news. Perfect, modulated by the knowledge that there are, indeed, antisemites who probably believe such things.
    Thank you! (And thank you for the daily summaries.)

    • VJ Editor

      Thank you, Miriam!

  2. Charles Schliebs

    C’mon, people, this is absolutely brilliant satire. Beautifully done. By the time I got to the Kamala Harris “quote” I was laughing so hard I almost fell out of my chair. Bravo to whoever wrote it.

    On a serious note, this satire is all the more brilliant because it underscores the absurd things that come out of the mouths of the anti-Israel crowd in the US, Europe and the Middle East.

    • VJ Editor

      Thank you and welcome, Charles!

    • VJ Editor

      Thanks Philip and welcome!

  3. elihu baer

    Gee. I thought Purim was weeks ago. I guess any time is a good time to laugh.

    • VJ Editor

      We all need it now and then!

  4. Robert Kunst

    The eclipse was a sign from G-d, that Israel will defeat Hamas and Biden will ose for stabbing Israel in the back

    for the Muslim vote. This came one day after Muslims in Michigan couldn’t stop screaming “Death to Israel” and

    “Death to America”. We have a 5th column of traitors, led by Biden and the dirty demorats, with ‘open borders’

    that believes it’s okay to behead Jewish babies and burn Jews alive. This is what G-d gave s an Jews have

    “Occupied” for 5000 years. The Islamic Nazi Jihadists are on Jewish Land, not the reverse.

    Not one Arab or Muslim country will take in one ‘Palestinian’. WHY? You lke them, you take them!

  5. Daniel Ramon Mizrachi

    We were responsable for the NY earthquake. For the ship crashing the bridge. and maybe the locust infestation that might come too….ha ha ha

  6. Daisy

    Actually, what I find interesting is that we know, from the Talmidei Chachamim, that when a solar eclipse occurs, it is a bad omen for the nations, and when a lunar eclipse happens, it is bad omen for Am Yisrael.

    Obviously Hashem decided to create a solar eclipse at a time when Am Yisrael needs Divine assistance more than ever!

    So these stupid goyim are equating us with Hashem! Crazy but on some level, true, because we are Hashem’s People. And He will fight for us. B”H!

  7. Daniel

    The fact that there are people, other than Hamas that actually would believe
    this nonsense, is the most troubling part of this story.
    Astronomers the world over have precisely predicted the exact time and
    course the eclipse would take as well as the next one in 2044.
    I wish it were true because then Israel could do away with its enemies
    by a precise celestial bombardment.
    Just shows the lack on intellectual capacity there is in the world. including
    Blinken and the British, and the moon watcher, Kamala Harris, the only
    comment of value was Elon Musk, “Have them move Mars a little closer”.

  8. Maxi

    This is funny and scary at the same time. Funny because the accusation is beyond ridiculous, and scary because people actually believe this hogwash. I seriously don’t know whether to laugh or cry. What next will Israel be blamed for!

  9. Janice Schiltz

    This is a new level of idiocy among people who lead nations and are puported to be the “Intelligentsia” of the world!

  10. Bernardo

    I think that if we Jews could do that, we would use our powers to regime change in Iran, making them our best friends.

  11. Patk Morrison

    IS it just me or does this sound like some children just making up a game. Surely (if the article is true) some people have too much time on their hands.

  12. Paul Rose

    This satire beautifully captures the absurd world in which we live.

  13. Lera Henkel

    Maybe the Arab League and its allies need to get a hand full of dirt from their gods to take to Hague before they prove even they know Israel’s God is the real God. However, that is way out. God planned the orbits before he planned the sun or the moon.

  14. AMY SCHNEIDER

    Is this for real?????

  15. Andre Gotlieb

    🤣