The ill-farted American initiative to deliver aid to Gaza has ended in what can only be described as a maritime debacle of epic proportions. Originally hailed as a rebuke to the Israelis, the botched mission raised US awareness about the difficulties of delivering aid to Gaza. But never fear: FEDEX may be en route to Gaza.

Dubbed “Operation Splashdown,” the airdrop aimed was supposed to provide relief. Instead it provided a spectacle as supplies parachuted from high-flying military transports fell not into the eager hands of those in need but into the Mediterranean Sea, creating an unexpected hazard for Gaza’s sunbathers, surfers, and an especially bewildered audience of marine life—half of whom, reports confirm, were under the age of eighteen, the Hamas health authorities reported.

Unusually large jellyfish then began stinging the unfortunate bathers, indiscriminately, leaving them flailing helpless on the beach, poor things. And the Gazans weren’t doing so well, either.

Joe Biden took time from his mid-week vacation to offer condolences to the victims of the airdrop and subsequent digestion problems, as he licked his cone of Rum Raisin. “Really, folks, we didn’t expect that some Tabasco sauce would cause such a ruckus, and we thought the Skittles would be more appreciated.”

The United States, in a scramble to navigate the diplomatic waves churned up by this debacle, issued profuse apologies to both Gazans and Israelis. The heartfelt mea culpas echoed across embassies and Twitter feeds, highlighting the realization that the logistics of delivering aid to Gaza were perhaps more labyrinthine than previously appreciated. “Getting aid in is not as simple as we thought,” admitted one U.S. official, the statement tinged with the solemnity of hindsight.

Complicating the aerial ballet was the necessity for the planes to execute their drops from vertiginous heights—a maneuver designed to dodge the reach of Hamas’ anti-aircraft fire. This high-altitude strategy, while tactically sound, tragically misfired in execution, leading to supplies being scattered across the coastal and marine tableau rather than their intended terrestrial targets.

In a twist that might veer into the realm of satire if it weren’t so earnestly considered, President Biden, grappling with the aftermath, is reportedly exploring the option of outsourcing future deliveries to FedEx. The proposition has raised eyebrows and a few chuckles, with commentators speculating on whether package tracking numbers will soon become a staple in humanitarian aid efforts.

Amidst the fallout, the culinary critique has been no less scathing. The airdropped menu of spaghetti and chicken—intended as a comfort—has been met with disdain by Gazan connoisseurs. Described as “uninspiring” and “pedestrian,” the TV dinner selections have faced harsh reviews, prompting a reflection on whether the soul of aid can truly lie in the freezer section.

As Operation Splashdown flounders in the court of public opinion, the incident serves as a stark reminder of the complexities and unintended consequences that can arise in the pursuit of doing good. With FedEx potentially on speed dial and the world watching, the next chapter in this saga of aid gone wrong remains to be written, hopefully with a menu that resonates more deeply with the refined and particular Palestinian palate and spicy spirit of Gaza.

In the wake of “Operation Splashdown’s” soggy fate, a simpering State Department spokesperson took to the podium in Foggy Bottom, armed with a plethora of rationalizations for the series of misadventures that turned a well-intentioned aid mission into a surfside debacle. With the grace of a ballet dancer navigating a minefield, the spokesperson attempted to thread the needle between apology and justification, addressing the scattered aid that now decorates the Mediterranean seabed and the critiques of culinary inadequacy emanating from Gaza’s gastronomic elite.

“As we reflect on the recent outcomes of our humanitarian efforts, we acknowledge that our mission did not unfold as anticipated,” the spokesperson began, their tone a masterclass in diplomatic circumspection. “The complexities of delivering aid in such a unique operational environment have provided us with valuable lessons. We understand that even the best-laid plans may encounter unexpected challenges, particularly when navigating the intricacies of aerial logistics under threat.”

On the topic of the high-altitude drops necessitated by the looming threat of anti-aircraft fire, the spokesperson offered, “Our pilots performed admirably under the circumstances, making real-time decisions to ensure their safety and the delivery of the aid. Unfortunately, the precision we strive for was compromised by these necessary precautions.”

Addressing the gastronomic grievances, the spokesperson added, “We recognize that the culinary selections may not have met the diverse tastes and expectations of all recipients. Our intention was to provide sustenance, but we are learning that the heart and the stomach both require a more nuanced approach.”

As for the future of U.S. aid delivery to Gaza, the spokesperson was pressed on whether the U.S. would lean on Israeli assistance or pivot to an outsourced solution with FedEx. “We are actively exploring all avenues to ensure that future aid is delivered more effectively and efficiently. This includes dialogues with our Israeli partners and potentially engaging the expertise of FedEx to leverage their logistical capabilities.”

The spokesperson’s attempt to rationalize the fiasco, while earnest, left more questions than answers. As discussions swirl around the potential for an international logistics firm to take the reins of humanitarian aid delivery, the global audience watches with bated breath, hoping for a future where aid reaches those in need, not to junkfood craving jellyfish.