Diplomatic Tensions Rise Over Controversial Tactics Used at Gaza Tunnel Openings

The United Nations Security Council tonight held another urgent session to deliberate on the Israeli Defense Forces’ (IDF) reported use of grotesquely oversized wooden mallets in Gaza, allegedly being used against the laws of war to whack moles emerging from the openings of tunnels.

Delegates in New York expressed grave concern over the potential humanitarian and legal implications of the reported whacking. The focus was on the disturbing departure of the IDF from conventional warfare, raising significant questions about the conduct and ethics of military operations.

A French representative, apparently raised concerns that the Israelis were assaulting the sight-impaired moles with “maillots” (the French word for bathing suits) instead of mallets. “The use of maillots on the battlefield is an act of cultural aggression against modest Muslim culture. Bikinis belong on beaches, not the battlefield.” Despite the evident linguistic confusion, France insisted on including alleged swimwear misuse in the resolution.

UK delegates, apparently misunderstanding of the language of the draft resolution, objected to what they believed were inappropriate uses of malt, though there was confusion about whether the alleged importation was over chocolate malts or malt liquor, which would be a grave offense against the predominantly Muslim culture.

The Russian and Chinese delegations apparently also had a linguistic issue, believing that the Israelis were abusing mallard ducks or red mullet fish. Delegates form Venezuela, meanwhile, were outraged at what they believed was the IDF’s use of mullet haircuts, which they deemed offensive to aesthetic norms.

The Security Council also scrutinized the broader implications of the IDF tactics, discussing potential for escalation and psychological impacts  of large mallets on soldiers and civilians. Delegates underscored the urgency and significance of addressing these unconventional warfare methods, which they said contradicted the Geneva Conventions on Warfare, which preclude mallet use on human or animal populations, including moles.

The International Committee of the Red Cross was insisting on viciting the assaulted moles, as well as any injured mullets and mallards, but the IDF has refused access to the tunnel network.

The current draft text unde consideration reads:

“The United Nations Security Council

Condemns the reported use of oversized mallets by the Israeli Defense Forces in Gaza as a serious violation of international norms and a disturbing deviation from conventional military tactics.

Expresses Grave Concern over the alleged Israeli actions involving variants of ‘mallet’, including the rumored bans on mullet haircuts and mullet fish, the possible abuse of innocent mallards, misuse of ‘maillots’ (bathing suits) and the reported ban of imports of malt liquor as well as chocolate malts.

Demands that Israel to immediately cease mole-whacking actions and adhere to international humanitarian standards.

Decides to remain actively seized on all matters related to whacking.

The vote on the resolution has been delayed repeatedly due to diplomatic efforts to persuade the United States to avoid using its veto. The proposed compromise language would appeal to the moles to stay in their holes and to refrain from using tunnels under hospitals, mosques, schools and UN facilities to fire rockets and attack Israeli forces.

[Image and inspiration from the Babylon Bee, gratefully acknowledged.