Concerned Jews Call Cops about Catapulted Crustaceans

Aug 31, 2023 5:13 pm | Ticker, Virtual Jerusalem

The calm corridors of a Californian campus were caught in chaos as cunning Cossacks catapulted crawdaddies at the Jewish fraternity AePi in Berkeley on the Sabbath, causing considerable consternation about the quantity and condition of the crab cousins, some declawed. Quick to confront the crisis, the concerned collegians contacted the cops – on Shabbas!

It was a clearly case of pikuach nefesh. At the least for the crayfish.

Calling 911, evidently to save the life of the little lobsters, the courageous colleague kids called on the campus constabulary to confront the culprits. With critters crawling in corners and cramming its crannies, their once comfy crib had become a crazy crustacean carnival!

The shellfish were also thrown through a window, deck, and yard at Berkeley’s chapter of Alpha Epsilon Pi, in what the fraternity leadership is calling “an act of antisemitism vandalism.”

“We go outside, we saw crayfish had been thrown all over our deck, all over the side driveway, through the windows into someone’s room, and scattered all around the backyard,” said Jadon Gershon-Friedberg, a Berkeley senior and AEPi chapter president, who lives in the frat house. A fraternity brother had noticed a half-dozen people with a bucket approach the house just before 1 a.m., he said.

To curtail the craziness, AEPi’s commander and his cohort commissioned a cleaning crew. With care, they courageously cleansed the deck and steam-cleaned the residue of the crawdads, many clawless, calming the campus considerably.

The clever collegians then quickly calculated the cost of the crayfish calamity and called for contributions. Contributions from concerned co-religionists clogged their coffers. You too can contribute tzedaka on Jadon’s page to create connections between Jewish students and Israeli startups and to express solidarity with the arthropod-besieged Jewish achim at AEPi.

Rabbi Meir Kahane z’l, with Jews facing attacks more considerable than crawdaddies, once called on Jewish victims of anti-Semitism to fight back against the haters on the streets and campuses. “Every Jew a .22,” he urged. Evidently inspired by the Jewish Defense League founder, the determined denizens of the dorm are hard at work devising devious designs to defend against the Jew-baiting deviants who dirtied their deck with, well, bait.

The courageous AEPi Judenbubes, evidently not content to just cry crusty tears, and not wanting to appear selfish about shellfish, are reportedly crafting a crash course to confront such crustacean crimes, and to make the tragic event a learning lesson for all. They clamor for a campus where crayfish and Jewish collegians can coexist without conflict.

Among the drastic deterrents being devised by the descendants of Bar Kochba in their anti-defamatory defense:

  1. Revenge: Counter-attack by catapulting stale knishes and gefilte fishes at the half-dozen bucket-bearers.
  2. Business Venture 1A: Convert chaos into cold cash by selling the shellfish. Crawdaddies don’t come cheap.
  3. Business Venture 1B: Grow the critters bigger until they become lobsters, quintupling their profits.
  4. The Athletic Approach: Create a campus competition called ‘Catch-the-Crayfish’ and make a killing.
  5. The Academic Approach: A curriculum about the ethics of killing unkosher critters. PETA take note.

Let’s pray that this crayfish conflict comes quickly to a close and does not cause Jadon and his cohorts to catch crabs.


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